TikTok is a strange animal. Like any place on the Internet, you can find both the best and the worst of humanity on it. When you get used to one, the other can take you by surprise even though you know there is always a chance one will come by.
I for one am used to generally nice people, the cream of the crop, the best of humanity on the Internet, including on TikTok. So imagine my shock when I made a light-hearted TikTok about my anxiety brought on by a strobing florescent light at the laundromat and I got a bunch of mean comments. I don't laugh at what triggers people's anxiety, I don't think it's weird when something totally innocuous makes someone freak out. I may have questions, but I'll never judge someone harshly for it. I know everyone has their own traumas and I try to be a safe person to be around when they get triggered. I think it's pretty shitty to try to make someone feel wrong for being triggered by something, because one can't control that, not without therapy and plenty of shadow work. Not everyone can go to therapy. Not everyone knows what shadow work or meditation is. I'm working on my own triggers which is why I made a light-hearted, self-aware video about it, and I got hate for it. I'm thankful I'm far enough into my shadow work that I didn't take it personally, but others might not be at that point in their journey yet, which is why I was so shocked and sad that these people felt comfortable being so mean and unfeeling in their words.
Being on the Internet does require a thick skin, and one can certainly acquire a thick skin by being an active part of the Internet. I value our freedom of speech and self-expression, and I'm thankful that everyone--and I do mean everyone--can express themselves freely in any way that they choose on various platforms. I'm simply appalled that some choose to be so unironically mean. I love dark and dry humor just as much as the next person, but that's exactly what it is: humor. It's meant to be humorous, to be tongue-in-cheek, and yet some choose to be intentionally biting and cold. It's not as though they were jokingly calling me a pussy, and then relating their own struggles; no, they simply could not empathize with my helplessness to my own chemical imbalance. I don't choose to get anxiety from a strobe light, it just happens, and I try to love myself through it and come out on the other end stronger for it.
I want to talk to these people face to face and have an honest discussion about it. I want to ask them what they are feeling when they see my post and if they know why they feel that way. I do a lot of internal maintenance and checks to see if I'm where I want to be and if not, discover how I can get to where I'm trying to be. I don't know if everyone else knows that that's an option. I can be mean and hurtful with my words. But as they come out, I can feel the vitriol in my words and intentions, and the knowledge that I'm intentionally hurting someone is nauseating. I try to stop when that happens and immediately take responsibility for my words and actions. I wish more people did that, I feel like that would massively improve our relations with others. I believe that often when we are intentionally being hurtful with our words, it is only because we can't see the situation from the other perspective. I think it's a defense mechanism. We always want to be the winner, we always want to take the upper hand, it makes us feel good and superior. But I believe that in attempting to make ourselves superior to the other person by punching down, we are showing our true inferiority, bare and naked. It's shameful that many still struggle with this well into adulthood, because it's truly such a childish mechanism. It's the playground bully who feels inadequate, so they prey on the ones that are smaller, quieter, and more vulnerable than they are, because it falsely confirms their superiority.
How lucky, then, that they shot their poison at me. It was no less shocking to me, but I could handle it and I saw it for what it was. But I simply want to know if they knew what it really was, or if they had the ability to know. Because I see their defense mechanisms very clearly. How inadequate one must feel to loudly heckle someone for something they can't control yet! I know my limits, I have a thick skin, so I can and do draw attention to my own faults and vulnerabilities, because I know there's many others out there going through the same thing I am and they need to feel seen and to know they aren't alone in feeling victimized by a strobing light. lol Remember, something is only silly and small until you yourself go through it. I don't know why that light bothered me. I know it made me feel dizzy and sick, and I know my heart started racing. I still have not found the cause of my reaction to that light. It's not the light that bothered me, not really. I can point the blame at the light and say it's giving me an anxiety attack, but if it's not giving other people the anxiety attack, then it's not really about the light, is it? It's something internal, I just haven't found out what it is yet. I look forward to the day when I am triggered by something and it finally uncovers the root cause of my anxiety.
I remember when I was first on the Internet, browsing forums and chatrooms, and I was excited at the idea of all of these people talking to each other, some trolling, some arguing, some just having a good time, sand they all were adding color and spice to am otherwise drab space. Even if I disagree with someone on the Internet, I know there's often a very good reason why they believe what they believe. I think we all have a tendency to narrow our perspective and "otherize" people who don't fully align with us. I fall for it all the time. I've called someone "obtuse" for saying something I knew to be false. I was trying to be hurtful, and not helpful. I doubt I could have even changed their ideas regardless of my approach, but I chose to be intentionally mean. Granted, I could be wrong in my own views. We all think we are right, don't we? The neo-nazis "know" they are right. Of course, I am not justifying what they do or say, but they have their reasons for why they believe what they believe. They aren't particularly good reasons, but that's what biases do to us. They cause us to "otherize" people who aren't us. And we all do it. You may not be racist or sexist or homophobic, but you do "otherize" people. You may have your reasons, but how good are those reasons? Can you accurately put aside your biases and see the big picture? And if you can, how do you know what is a bias, and what is an objective fact? Everyone knows they are a good person until they are confronted by something they've said or done. Are you still a good person after you've said something mean? I mean, it's not like you killed someone. But good people don't mean to hurt other people, and yet, sometimes we do and it feels so good to twist that dagger. Are you still a good person? I think you are. I think you made a mistake, regardless of your momentary intentions. I truly think that most people are good, it's just that some people's judgements are so clouded, it's virtually impossible for them to do good without some serious introspection. If you can feel bad afterwards, that's a good thing. Am I a good person after I called that man obtuse? Absolutely. You know how I know? Because I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd spoken with more empathy and compassion. I bet you do too when you think about what you've said and done in the past that makes you question your own goodness.
Echo chambers make us lazy in our internal maintenance and audits. We think we are right because we are surrounded by people saying the same thing and nodding their heads vigorously in agreement. That's why we think everyone else is stupid. But if everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is stupid, then that should make you question yourself all the time and see if your belief system stands up to rigorous dissection. It's okay to be wrong. You aren't a bad person if you are wrong, just utterly mistaken. And yes, if you're wrong, sometimes that does mean you're obtuse, but it's not my job to tell you that unless you're actively stopping your ears and yelling, "LA LA LA LA," over me so you can't hear me trying to get on your level and speak with you to see if we can't find some common ground.
Now I'm not someone who identifies as a Christian, but I love Jesus' teachings. I love where he said to bless them that curse you, and to do good to them to spitefully use you. Because I think he understood something that we all tend to forget: there's a reason why the bully is the bully. They weren't born cruel. The bully is not a monster. They are possessed by the monster and often identify with that monster, but they themselves are in pain and it causes them to lash out. I'm not saying you shouldn't fight back. If you feel the need to speak up or put your dukes up, by all means, protect yourself, speak your truth. You have a right to defend yourself. But if I'm not in any immediate danger, I speak calmly and lovingly to the human and ignore the monster. "What makes you feel that way? Why do you think you need to be hurtful?" Sometimes they ignore the question, and they are stubborn in their meanness, but every so often, they pause and their face softens as they become aware of their actions. I can't tell you how many times I've been able to neutralize a situation just by appealing to their humanity and goodness. More often than not, it's all a big misunderstanding, and someone was already wounded to begin with.
Is it naive to think this way? Perhaps. But my experiences have formed this belief of mine. I think that above all, one must use discernment of they are going to go down this route. Because like I said, most people think they are good, but not everyone is trying to be good. It takes experience and awareness to tell the difference. But most people that I encounter can be loved down from being a bully. I would encourage you to give it a try, if you have not already. Read the situation of course, sometimes it's best to match energy and be done with it. But sometimes if you are in the right headspace for it, you can make a friend where you would have found an enemy. Again, do this at your own risk. Don't take this advice to mean that you should be a pushover. There's a big difference between using kindness to take down a bully and letting someone walk all over you. In fact, you can make them feel incredibly guilty because their ideas about their own goodness doesn't jive with the knowledge that they were just needlessly mean to someone. Sometimes that's all the weapons that you need, and now they know that if they do need to feel powerful, you're not the one to mess with.
I don't know if I'm preaching to the choir or if I'm offering anything of value to you, but I hope this was helpful to you in some way. I'm a flawed person, so take whatever resonates with you and discard the rest.